These past few weeks have hit me like a freight train. So much was going on in my life, professionally, emotionally, mentally that I had no idea how to process everything, but escape. Escape I did for one week to gain some clarity, burn a sage stick, get my palm read (funnily enough it was spot on) and REALLY evaluate where I was going in life.
I did some DEEP soul searching. Unpacking emotional baggage, spending time in prayer, reading wholesome self help books. Basically trying to get back my zen and get my head on straight again. Which led me to coming back to civilisation aka the city, and having a plan in place to put myself first and make the changes I needed to get the happiness I knew I could have once again.
Today, I put in my 2 week resignation notice to work, and tomorrow I have a job interview to the same line of work, only in a different smaller company and with less stress and much more time off work during the busy Christmas period. It couldn’t have been more God’s favour in my life! Exactly 2 weeks from today the job starts and today was the decision I made where I was like ‘I really need to resign. I need a change’.
I’m more than pleased with the way God has guided me through this very difficult career transition in my life. The people I worked with for over a year were my family, and supported me the whole way. I leave on good terms, and I couldn’t ask for more than that. I’ve learnt so much from working in my first full-time role, earning money to save for trips, and a house later on down the track, and buying a car.
It’s given me so much in life, and taught me about professionalism, and people, and stress, and routine, and above all, it’s shown me what I can do with hard work and some backing myself up. But it has served me for a season, and now it is time to listen to my heart and to move forward in another direction.
This month I have also learnt about being honest. Not only to others, but mainly with myself. I am a pretty honest person with others, I don’t like lying. But I lie to myself a lot. I lie that I am happy in a role when I’m not. I lie that I am happy in relationships, when I am not. Just to keep the peace, or just to continue torturing myself because I get comfortable with the familiar and I am terrified of the unknown.
But when I’m not honest with myself, I only hurt myself more. I have to be strong in making a decision for my own good, even when it’s hard or I want to bury my head under the sand. I shouldn’t apologise for having strong values. It’s just who I am and I am proud of me. I like the fact I have a strong moral compass, because the world is immoral. I like how I am honest when someone says something disrespectful. I like that on the weekend, I helped an unconscious drunk guy get support from the paramedics, because his friends left him alone and couldn’t care whether he got himself help or not.
I was angry and upset with myself before in the past, because I expected people to treat me right, or to act in ways that respected others. I hated that I got disappointed easily, and that I believed the best in people even though they continually showed me the worst. But then I ask myself, why I should want to change that beautiful part of myself that is Christ-like. The world tells us to be selfish, rude, deceitful, lustful, full of pride, anger, greed. I try to listen to that voice inside me, God’s voice leading me.
I shouldn’t be ashamed that I have a soft heart, and that I only seek the good in life and in people. It’s not my fault for trusting people, it’s people’s fault for being untrustworthy. I shouldn’t try to dim that light in me, or harden my heart to stone because someone else’s heart was cold. My joy, my peace, my forgiveness, my love, is a gift. It’s a testimony. It’s not being prideful, it is humility, it is only by God’s grace that I still have a light in me after all these years. I still see that seven year old optimistic child in me. I try to connect with her when I let the worries and the heartache my adult self endures dim my glow.
I envision the rosy cheeks, big hazel eyes, cheeky toothy grin, long blonde-brown fringed hair, dressed in overalls, and I say ‘ Hey, nice to see you again Kelly. I’ve missed you’. And just like that, I am not embarrassed about reconnecting with my inner child. Because that girl was a real sweetheart.
And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. – Matthew 18:3
the anomaly daughter 